CityFellowship | Union Square NYC » life skills

Vanity

ljkim — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 17:01:08 +0000

No one knows what that word means anymore: it doesn’t mean looking in the mirror and thinking you’re hot. It means being “empty” or value or thought or purpose. It’s usually not talking about things that we know don’t mean anything – that we do just for fun…like football: who the heck cares who wins? It makes no difference in your life down the line – even if you’re a die-hard hard… and probably makes no difference in the world – but we just like it, it’s a game, it’s for fun – and that’s fine. But vain is a word to highlight things that SEEM meaningful, seem worthy, but are really empty. So one can work really hard in a career – only to get to the end and realize they are the king of sugar water, and no one cares, and no one should… Is that too harsh? I don’t mean to be, but the concept of vanity is that much of the things we go crazy about are really stupid in the end…

It is truly possible to throw yourself into work, killing yourself for stuff that doesn’t matter in the end – and not realize it. Because while we’re doing the stuff, it seems worthwhile… Any job that makes money FEELS worthwhile. Anything that puts your skills to the test SEEMS like a great way to spend your life. Anything that allows you to struggle and win feels like it’s doing something…even when it’s not.

Now people get nervous when someone talks like this, because they’re afraid that person is talking about them… but we know that we’re accepted by God, completely, radically, lovingly, undeserving-ly… that’s what the Cross is about, so we don’t have to feel judged. And that frees us to figure out what we’re really doing with our lives…

“Am I loving God, and loving people? Am I actually serving people? Or is my life in vain?” How could I love God and love people where I am? What would I need to do different to do this better? What would I need to learn, what would I need to confess, or change or grow?

How to build a better life

ljkim — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 08:18:43 +0000

Instead of buying ever pricier toys, or ever more elaborate and exotic vacations how about taking all that time and energy to design a great life instead? A life that’s so good you won’t ever “need” a vacation. A life that’s so good, so meaningful and comfortable that other people WANT to be in your life… to share in your world because you really know how to live. And I guarantee that if you have a happier life you will do better at work, find a better job, do better at personal goals like weight loss or getting fit, or saving money, etc. Why? The reason why we often fail at these things is because we’re not “happy” enough at the core – so we wind up using other things (food, vacations, toys, etc) to make ourselves feel better… So instead of chasing after temporary relief – let’s get our lives in order… How do you do that? Here are ten personal suggestions – take and use what makes sense to you…

10. Get a great routine… The most important parts of your life is not the things you do once in a while, it’s the stuff you do regularly. Make church a regular part of your life. Take a class, get season tickets to something and do that every year.

9. Throw out your television, you don’t need one. If you have must-watch shows, use tivo or DVD’s – that way your life doesn’t revolve around the network’s schedule.

8. Stop trying to make long distance friends a regular part of your life – instead invest in the people you have here… (Okay I know that one can come across wrong – but the people who are most miserable where they are, tend to be people who’s closest friends are living in different time zones. Live where you are, not where you’re not.)

7. Set up a Wednesday night dinner (or something like that) where you meet up with friends on a regular basis. Find friends that live close enough that they can do this… find someplace cheap to eat where they’ll let you sit around and not have to buy lots of drinks…

6. Stop telling yourself you’re moving someplace else next year. Maybe you will, later, but right now you’re here. As long as you’re here you need to build your life here… Otherwise when you move there, you’ll eventually do the same thing.

5. Spend time in God’s Word. Learn it. Own it. Live it.

4. Get in touch with your body. Notice how what you eat affects your moods and energy levels. Notice how right amounts of sleep and exercise helps change your energy levels in the following days. This requires a scientific mindset because cause and effect are usually not immediate. Take a multivitamin, don’t eat instant foods, get plenty of sleep, exercise.

3. Forgive people. This is not only for God’s sake, and it’s not only for the sake of the person you’re forgiving – but it will take a load off your emotional burdens. And long term it will teach you what it means that you too are forgiven.

2. Read good books. Read some Christian books too. I’ve always read a bit… but I never thought it was “mandatory” for other people – but I notice that people who grow usually read. People who stay the same either read only trashy books, or don’t read at all. So read something that will be worth reading in 200 years. Or, if it’s Christian literature, and you’re able, read stuff that is really really often read AND really really old.

1. Invest in your church. Make it (in a sense) your surrogate for God… Not that you should listen to your church “as though it were God…” no, that’s the mistake the Medieval Church made… Instead, take your love and devotion for God and direct it toward the people and the work of the Church. That’s what Jesus meant (I think) when he asked Peter “do you love me?” And then said… “feed my sheep.”

Got any other suggestions? Share the wealth in the comments section!

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Christmas Lessons…2011 edition

ljkim — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 18:15:29 +0000

When I have important days, important events, I like to plan things so that everything is settled and organized…but reading the birth narratives reminds me how messy it all was… unwed single mother – forced to travel – no place to stay, gives birth outdoors and puts the baby in a manger. I like things “neat” because it gives me the illusion that I’m in control – but I guess God likes allowing chaos because it proves to me I’m not. Lesson #5, God is fine with chaos. If your life is messy, it’s not because God isn’t working…it’s an opportunity to trust Him to be in control of the big picture, while you try to be faithful with your part.

Lesson #4, God doesn’t care about fancy things: fancy people or fancy real estate. Jesus could have been born anywhere… But he was born and laid in a manger in Bethlehem… And the only people to know about the importance of the event were migrant Persian Astrologers (the wise men) and some blue collar shepherds (the minimum wage workers of the day) who happened to be camped nearby.

Lesson #3, There are angels all around. Angels appear to Joseph, and Mary, angels appear to the Shepherds. Angels are all around and involved in Jesus-stuff, because this is the most important thing to God. Guess what? You’re important to God, and you’re never alone.

Lesson #2, The most important things in life (in the history of the world), often happen without much fanfare. You never know when something from heaven will drop down to earth…so it pays to keep your (mind and) eyes open and to appreciate things for what they are.

Lesson #1, the key to happiness is: the people who understand wind up rejoicing… How can they rejoice when they’re poor? How can they rejoice when their life is the way it is? How can we trust in a God who lets our lives get so messy? The people who find the answers to questions like those wind up with deep happiness… So go get it.

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Top ten things to stop doing (or start doing)…

ljkim — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 01:30:15 +0000

This is the seasons of lists and resolutions – so in line with the spirit of the season, here’s my top ten list (otherwise known as the Ten Commandments):

1. Stop making excuses and actually put God first. Or… Stop making other stuff more important than knowing God, seeking his way, doing his will. Make God your top priority…

2. Stop making God into the likeness of your pet ambitions and projects. For a lot of people God seems to say exactly what they were already thinking. That’s definitely a warning sign of some sort: People who like to save money and be really cheap seem to find God telling them to be more and more frugal; whereas people who like to spend money like there’s no tomorrow seem to find a God who’s telling them to be more generous. Go figure! People who like travelling hear a God who wants them to travel. People who staying home and doing nothing hear a God who wants people to do nothing… Instead of making God into a caricature in our likeness, let’s let God be who he is, and seek him truly.

3. Stop sticking God’s name into things that have nothing to do with him, whether it’s politics or your personal life. And stop saying “Oh God!” when you’re not really talking about God. Like #1 and #2, this has to do with respecting God and not treating him like a plaything.

4. Take a (REAL) day off…once a week. Every week. I have an awesome life right now – and I haven’t taken a vacation in YEARS. During the slow season I take two days off a week… but I always take a day off even if I don’t feel like I need it. When I was younger (and stupid-er), I’d sometimes think “I don’t need a day off” and by the end of the week I’d start to lose my emotional/spiritual balance. So now I know better.

5. Love and honor your parents. Yeah they totally don’t seem to deserve it sometimes. And it’s tempting to treat older parents like dumb children – but that’s not cool. They put up with us when we actually were dumb children – so we can kindly overlook their generational ways and learn to be loving and respectful adults with them.

6. Don’t kill people. Don’t even think of killing people. Even your boss. Even the person ahead of you in traffic. Your thoughts might not actually harm other people – but they hurt you and scar your soul in ways you can’t see but feel down the line.

7. Don’t be a pig… sexually. If you’re sitting in a restaurant and the food at the table next to you looks amazing – and you’re starving – you still know enough not to eat other people’s food. Don’t sleep with other people’s spouses – daughters – mothers – fathers – brothers – sons. Sex is awesome when it’s part of a lifelong commitment – but it messes us up when it’s not.

8. Don’t steal stuff. Duh.

9. Don’t lie about people or about yourself. Don’t try to make other people sound worse – don’t try to make yourself sound better. Tell it like it is.

10. Stop looking through magazines and catalogs to look for stuff you want. In fact, stop wanting what other people have: even good things like family or a house or a particular job or whatever. Instead get really really content with what you have right now, because you have an OUTRAGEOUS amount of good stuff! And you’ll get more good stuff later, but unless you can see the stuff you have now – you’ll always feel poor and inadequate no matter how much you get.

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Living now, not later…

ljkim — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 00:58:42 +0000

Here’s something I’m working on… just because Jesus asked me to, and because he’s right as usual that this way of life is better: living in the moment. ”Do not be anxious about tomorrow…” Dogs, for instance, are remarkably “in the moment.” They’re not pissed off because of what something smelled like yesterday, and they’re not stressed out about their walk tomorrow, they’re here now. Young children are often like that too – which is why they laugh more than older people. I can have a perfectly good day – be well fed, well loved, at ease – and yet be all wrapped up because of something I need to do tomorrow. This is dumb because even if what I’m stressed about is as bad as I think – I suffer through it multiple times by worrying about it in advance…

“Wait a minute! If you don’t stress about things in advance – you probably won’t prepare for things and plan for the future…” You’re right…sorta. If Jesus just said, “don’t worry, be happy” then that would be stupid and lead to nothing good. But Jesus said don’t worry about tomorrow – instead just freely follow Him today (or “seek his kingdom, and his righteousness”).

Third graders rarely stress out about whether they’ll graduate to fourth grade. they don’t worry about getting lost in the woods or getting run over by cars. Even though all these possibilities are real (except for getting lost in the woods in NYC), they don’t worry. Some people would say “it’s because they’re stupid and don’t know better”; but I’d argue that it would be dumber for them to worry. Because if they do what their parents and teachers tell them day by day, if they follow the ways of the crossing guards and doing homework, going to bed and brushing their teeth – then they’ll be okay.

It would be dysfunctional for a third grader to worry about getting to fourth grade. It’s just as dysfunctional (from Jesus’ point of view) for us to worry about the future (or the past)… Especially when it takes away from what you have in the present. People spend their vacations on the beach worrying about emails that are piling up on their work computers – and then spend their time at work thinking about their next vacation. So instead of that silliness, I’m learning to live in the present. Want to join me?

How do I start? Repent of our pride that makes us think our worries help us (they don’t), and that our lives have been blessed by our work alone. Ask for forgiveness in overlooking our Father’s hand in our lives, and ask for help in leaning on that more and more. Then take a deep breath, look around and get going with “now”: Rest when it’s time to rest, sleep when it’s time to sleep (trusting God has your back). Work when it’s time to work – reflect when there’s an opportunity to reflect on what you’re doing…and rely on the God who guides us step by step (and not all at once). We only have “right now” for right now, it will be different later – so let’s make the most of our moments before they slip away.

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Are you “teachable?”

ljkim — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 17:55:11 +0000

There’s a part in the Steve Jobs Bio where Sculley walks Jobs through the Met (museum) to test him… To see if he was teachable when it came to subjects he didn’t know anything about. And he found that (although he could be an “difficult” in other contexts), he was really interested in learning things he didn’t already know. The truly difficult part of learning anything really new is: we don’t usually want to know what we don’t (already) know… We like lessons when they tell us stuff we ALREADY know. Amen to that! But stuff we don’t know (whether it’s right or wrong) is scary, unsettling, shifts power away from us, forces us to be like children.

Now I think I’ve been on both sides of this: I love learning new things from people who know about stuff I don’t. Learning is pretty much what I do for fun… But at the same time, there were things in which I was “unteachable.” I had a bad attitude; didn’t WANT to know what I didn’t know. And I’ve realized that all of us get into certain “Modes” when it comes to learning stuff…

1. Closed-Mode: “I’m not listening to you.”

It’s okay to not listen to just ANYBODY. But when your doctor gives you advice about your health – even if she’s not the best doctor in the world, or the foremost authority on the subject – you probably ought to give it a hearing. It makes no sense why people would go to a doctor, ignore her credentials, and disregard her advice without really considering it. But people do stuff like that all the time. The same applies for people who can teach you other things too… Closed mindedness gets you stuck.

2. Argumentative-Mode: “Why should I do that?”

It’s okay to want to know “why?” But when it comes to learning certain kinds of things – you often have to understand steps 1-3 first (and maybe do it) before you can understand why. With some kinds of tasks there’s no time to understand all the “why’s” while you’re doing it. You have to trust the teacher enough to do what is recommended first – then ask why later. Often times people stuck in this Mode are not interested in the answer and use argument as a way of gaining power in (what they see as) the teacher-student power relationship.

3. “Whatever”-Mode: “Cool whatever.”

This looks really open minded, but it’s just a cover to not being open to teaching. In Whatever-Mode we just tune out the teaching and smile so as to maintain a good personal relationship with teachers… But we don’t expend any effort or consider any of the ideas seriously. People in MY line of work know this mode well… it’s also called “Church-Mode-Yada-Yada.” It’s why the world is so screwed up.

4. Challenge-Mode: “Why do we have to do it like this?“

This can look like the Argumentative-Mode, but people in Challenge-Mode really do want to understand “why” something is. They’re willing to take direction for the time being – but they will need to understand WHY before they can go too much further. Usually people at this stage have issues of trust with whoever is doing the teaching…

5. Disciple-Mode: “Whatever you say to do I will give it a try…”

When we get in disciple-mode with another person, it means we realize that other person has something to teach us… So when it comes to that topic, we’re up for anything so as to maximize what we can learn from the person. Want me to recite Spanish verb ending whenever I vacuum? Okay, I’ll try that! Want me to fast two meals once a week and pray every morning? Okay, I’ll give that a try. It requires that you trust the person who’s in the teaching role to help you learn something. It doesn’t mean we won’t ask questions later – but we realize that there’s stuff we don’t know, and because we don’t know it – we ourselves are not the most qualified to help ourselves learn it; that’s why we need teachers, duh. So we follow and seek to learn whatever we can.

So are you teachable? Which mode are you in when it comes to God and the Bible? Which mode are you in when it comes to learning skills? Which mode are you in when it comes to learning how to live well?

By the way – in Jesus’ BODY, not only do we learn from God and become disciples of Jesus – but we learn from one another… Monkeys know things cat’s don’t and vice versa. But the key to making all that happen is being teachable…

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Worst sermon ever.

ljkim — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 03:28:22 +0000

Any sermon that doesn’t put you in touch with Jesus, that isn’t passionate about what God can do in your life and through you – is a travesty! Any sermon that makes you feel like you’re under some kind of obligation to God instead of being swept up in God’s passion for sinners – and God’s passion for the world – is a grave injustice to the Cross. Because this God stuff we give lip service to – or at least the parts that actually come from the Bible – are REAL! And if that doesn’t excite you, then you’re not alive. Today’s sermon was about “blessed are the peacemakers…” and I think it missed the mark: Because God is inviting you to join Him in His work of doing awesome stuff in this world… And instead of inspiring you, I think I put you to sleep. Instead of stirring up your heart, I made some of you feel like “I don’t know if I can do this…” Of course you can’t do this…on your own. But as God gave Moses the mission, and the ability, God sends us out to move mountains and then walks ahead of us…

We said that the work of a “peacemaker”, someone who brings eirene or “shalom“, is to bring goodness and wholeness into a broken world. That means fixing something that’s broken, filling real needs, bringing more of God’s wholeness to this world…

I see people doing this all the time…(in small and large ways that you could do too.) God wants YOU to be one of those people. One of those people who are NOT just working to make money. Those who are NOT just working to get a promotion, more status or power. Those who are NOT just focused on pleasure… But that you’d be a person who looks at the (smaller) world around you, and actually fills needs, brings blessing, brings wholeness…serves people… does God’s work.

So will you join me in this? What do you need in order to take the first step?

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Some more thoughts on dating…

ljkim — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 17:12:14 +0000

The dating posts on this blog get a lot of views… unfortunately I don’t know that much about this stuff – and everything I’m reasonably sure about is already out there. So here’s an opinion from my own experience…take it for what it’s worth. I think it’s healthy for single folks to be “fans” and have lots of “fans.” So my advice is: Learn to be a fan… Like…(for guys) you can be a fan of Natalie Portman: think she’s great, want to see every movie she’s in – and yet you don’t want to marry her or date her – you’re not even thinking along those lines. Or you can be a fan of Daniel Craig, think he’s hot, love his movies – but you’re not romantically involved, and you’re also a fan of a dozen other actors… In the same way, instead of being secretly “in love” with people or “closing your heart” to others – I think it’s really healthy when people are fans of others…admiring their good qualities and wishing the best for them in ways that don’t imply attachment. If you live someplace like NY, there ought to be a handful of people you’re an avid admirer of – regardless of whether you’re interested in them romantically. I think this is healthy for a number of reasons…

Reason 1: When you do date someone (see Dating Light) it helps you keep things in perspective: yes they do have all these good qualities – BUT that doesn’t mean you have to marry them. Being a fan of a number of people helps remind you that just because someone is awesome in some unique way, it doesn’t mean you’re supposed to marry them.

Reason 2: It also helps you remember what all your friends tell you when things do not work out: there are other fish in the sea. There are other great people out there. So what if you’re not romantically involved with anyone at the moment? The fact is that this one person isn’t the only “wonderful” person in the world…

Reason 3: And it helps you keep an open mind about people you might not immediately be interested in. When Grace (my wife) and I first met we weren’t romantically interested in one another. We hung out for almost a year before we started dating. But we were “fans” of one another since we met… I think a friend of ours once said, “you two are so similar, you should get together” and we looked at each other and shook our heads. You don’t have to date every person you admire… And admiring friends unselfishly can help you see things about people you might not ordinarily have noticed.

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State of mind…

ljkim — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 16:36:22 +0000

When you’re in the right state of mind for a particular task it’s easy; but when you’re in the wrong state of mind, or feel depressed or defeated, it doesn’t work no matter how hard you try. Animal trainers learn to discern the ‘state of mind’ of an animal: even a domesticated animal can be dangerous when in the wrong state of mind. Caesar Milan talks about trying to get a “calm submissive state” from his dogs…the goal is not behavior compliance, but a mindset. Now we’re all sort of animal trainers for our own mind… We don’t just act, think or feel, but we can do things to act, think and feel. To coax our own souls into the right mindset.

When I’m in an introverted mindset it’s easy to be still and be alone. When I’m in a more extroverted mindset it’s easy to be social and party. When I’m in a nurturing mindset it’s easy to be gentle with people. When I’m in a competitive mindset, it’s easier to kick butt. It’s not always easy to switch from one to another. Athletes go through pre-game rituals to psyche themselves into their game face. Scholars do similar things with their work space (either organizing or spreading things out) to get ready to dig into something. One writer (was it Tom Wolfe?) said he always gets dressed up in formal suit and tie before sitting down at his typewriter…it just helps him to write better.

So how can we learn to switch mindsets better? And how about getting into a Jesus state of mind? When I’m in a “Jesus state of mind” it’s easy to be calm no matter what happens; easy to trust God, easy to forgive. I’ve been there. But at other times (a lot of the time!) when I’m proud or trusting in my own goodness the slightest thing can upset or annoy me.

I’m all for pre-game rituals: If you find something that helps you then use it. Rosaries and genuflecting (for Medieval European Christians) were pre-game rituals to get a Jesus mindset. Memorizing and repeating Scripture (even in foreign languages) or re-reading familiar passages of the Bible are also pre-game rituals… Listening to certain kinds of music and singing are yet more rituals to change one’s mindset. Some people are good at changing your mindset too, they just make you think different…

Which brings us to the main way to change one’s mindset in the Bible…prayer. Spending time with God. Before I pray I may one way, but after prayer (when it works) I emerge with a different state of mind. Not only does God act on prayer, but spending time with God changes us.

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Rejoicing in the city

ljkim — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 21:29:50 +0000

The idea of happiness gets no respect these days. To be “happy” is sometimes the opposite of “serious.” If you paid someone a lot of money to do a very important project – you’d probably feel better knowing the person was serious – working and…miserable. If she were “happy”, you’d think she was goofing off. ”How can you be happy when there’s so much work to do?”

Intellectuals think happy people are stupid. Like children, they don’t know any better, so they’re happy and oblivious to all that is wrong with the world. Christians think this way also, spiritual people weep and mourn. People like Elijah and Moses asked God to take their lives they were so unhappy. And so it’s possible to read misery and gloom into all the writings of the Bible… Even though Paul wrote: Rejoice ALWAYS, I’ll say it again (in case you’re thinking something else) rejoice! <–imperative. And Jesus says those who mourn in His Kingdom are blessed (i.e., “happy”). So what’s the deal?

Jesus’ statement: “happy are those who mourn” puts the whole thing in perspective: Jesus wants us to be realists, not sugar-coating all that is wrong in your world, but being happy at the same time…

Practically, that means almost every day, you ought to find time to get deeply content, happy, and celebrate.

Most people don’t do this. Stupidly, we often choose to live with angst and despair. We fix our minds on statements like: “I can’t be happy unless – - -” Somehow thinking that (being saved by our works), we’ll be more successful if we don’t allow ourselves happiness until something comes through. But for wise Christians before us: prayer time was a time to celebrate. To acknowledge that God is in heaven, and I’m not him.

Now maybe you think what I’m saying here is IMPOSSIBLE to do in practice. So what should you do about it? God commands it. Rejoice. No exceptions. Paul got that message while sitting under house arrest in a foreign city. It IS possible. We know because people have done it, and if you’re part of a group seeking Jesus, there are probably people around you who are doing it too… So what we do is: we approach it like any difficult thing. Go to God, admit we can’t, ask him for help, and then get up and see what we can do…

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