A critique of criticism
Aug 6th, 2009 by ljkim
“O baby you’re so short. And you don’t help things because when you walk you don’t stand straight, actually you’re quite wobbly. The way you mispronounce words might seem cute to some people, but the brutal truth is that it won’t when you’re older… And FYI, dada is not a word. O there’s so much you need to learn, and I’m afraid of what seems like a total lack of motivation from you. Do you really expect everyone to take care of you forever?”
Yes there is a place for constructive criticism, but it is a very small place. It’s smaller than a NY sized apartment really. In a world in which there were good (close to perfect people) and bad people (who really need to get their acts together), constructive truthful criticism would have a bigger place… You don’t want to do the things “bad” people do, and start doing all the “good” people stuff. But the world isn’t filled with good and bad, it’s filled with “sinful” people who’s seemingly good qualities are also fatal flaws – tainted people who would destroy the world and their own happiness if we got everything we wanted. In a world in which everyone is broken, there’s very little really use for criticism when it comes to helping people grow.
Then how do you help someone grow? Not through criticism but encouragement. By pointing to what they could do right, and helping them continue in that direction. There are an infinity of angles at which something falls, but only one in which it can stand (as Chesterton once wrote); criticism is never ending and rarely constructive. Instead of telling people what NOT to do, it’s better to tell people what they need to do and applaud them for any hint of a step they take in that direction.
This is how you’ve grown all along. At the time of your quickest mental and physical growth your parents didn’t yell at you every time you tried to walk and failed. They didn’t make fun of the way you pronounced things or the way you’d make a mess every time you ate spaghetti. Imagine a parent who punished for those things… we’d call child services on them.
By the way, God isn’t criticizing you either. Jesus shocked people because he didn’t tell liars they lied, or failures they’ve failed. He didn’t lecture prostitutes or the woman having an affair with someone else’s husband. It was all too obvious to everyone else, but Jesus didn’t say a word. He didn’t want them to think He was here to judge them. He wasn’t. He’s here to make it better.
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So, do you think that it’s better to praise specific actions rather than general qualities?
Hmm I don’t know – maybe both specific actions and general qualities. The thing about praise as encouragement is it has to be believable – sometimes we’re used to getting buttered-up by people who want things, so genuine encouragement can get lost in the noise.
I think one part of my asian-ness is that I down play accomplishments (my own and those of others) when sometimes I should be celebrating them. I think we need to celebrate the genuinely good things more – otherwise the only things we’ll see celebrated in our culture is the superficial things of wealth and beauty.
After thinking about it some more I think the main thing that encouraging people do well is: they believe in you. It’s easy to expect the worst out of people…even while still liking and loving them, just accepting them as they are. But encouraging people actually seem to believe that you
canWILL do better somehow.