How to find the Man/Woman of your Dreams in 5 Easy Steps
Oct 30th, 2008 by ljkim
Life is not like in the movies. Cops don’t pick off DNA from dust particles off sneakers to solve a crime, and two people don’t fall in love through the typical well worn story lines (although I’m partial to Jane Austen inspired romantic comedies). The difference with real life is that it can be more boring to watch (if you’re watching someone else’s life) but it’s more fun to live out (characters in movies are miserable most of the time, and only happy at the ending - fun to watch, but I wouldn’t want to live that way). So here are five things single people often don’t do - but should - in finding a mate.
Step One - Stop Looking
Allow me to qualify that. There’s a cute book titled: The Harvard MBA’s Guide to Finding a Man, and no disrespect to the book, but let’s really think about this for a minute… Think of the type of person you want to be with…Would this person want to be “found” the Harvard MBA way? Do you want to meet someone who thinks you fulfill their checklist? If the answer to either of those questions is “no” then consider how many people find “soul mates” just when they gave up looking… This is why I say, “stop looking.” Maybe this is one of those things you can’t get directly by looking for it… Just the way you can’t look directly at the sun, but see it indirectly; or just the way money you don’t make money by telling people “Give me money,” maybe finding a soul mate type person is not something you go out and “do.”
Step Two - Stop Being Selfish
We all have the capacity to be horribly self-involved. And it makes you miserable. Instead, think of serving other people…both same-sex buddies and friends of the opposite sex. Genuinely look out for their happiness. Have fun with people without being on the hunt for a significant other. Not only will you have more fun that way - but you’ll also be more comfortable around the other sex, and people are more likely to be comfortable around you. As it is, if you’re the type that’s always on the hunt - attractive people (of the opposite sex) probably think you’re a little creepy. So stop it.
Step Three - Be Available for Friends
People will tell you, “Don’t get stuck in that dreaded FRIEND role!” I’m telling you, the friend role is where you want to be. The un-sketchy, sincere, genuinely caring friend is the person you want to be with for the rest of your life… or at least introduce to all your other single friends. Be the guy that other guys would be okay if you married their sisters. Be the gal that other girls would be glad to have as a sister in law. The best dating help you could ever hope for is if friends talk about you to their single friends saying “he/she’s so cool and giving and I can’t understand why he/she’s still single.” Be genuine and sincere, and make deep friendships. You won’t regret it.
Step Four - Figure out what your life is about (for the time being)
I don’t just say that as a pastor… I say that as a person who was once single for a million years. People who are passionate about something bigger than themselves…are attractive. The cliche is that women are into fashion and men are into sports - the problem is that both these interests are too small. Men rarely are into female interests and vice versa. Become passionate about something BIGGER. Live your life with a mission. Don’t waste it away on trivial things… A man/woman with a clear purpose is a million times sexier than a man/woman who is just into dating. It doesn’t have to be something you want to do for your whole life, just what you’re here to do right now…something worthwhile.
Step Five - Learn to Be Thankful and Content
Life is never perfect, but there’s so much in your life that is good. How can other people come to appreciate your life if you can’t? Happy people are attractive to others even when they’re not trying. Most people are mildly grumpy on the inside (even when they’re cheerful on the outside). If you can be Thankful and content people will want to know what you have going on the inside - knowing it’s probably going to lift them up instead of burdening them.
On second thought, maybe this isn’t just for single people, maybe this is good advice for everyone…
Since the advent of two engagement announcements, I have been forwarding my friends to this posting.
the only thing I would say is: don’t you have to differentiate yourself from rest of the pack of male friends to show that you are interested in more than a friendship with a female (after the friendship foundation has formed- step 3)?
To Jon’s question “don’t you need to differentiate yourself…” I’d say (I think) you shouldn’t have to… because you’d be best friends…
When you’re friends with a girl in such a way that when something funny happens you want to tell her first, and she feels the same way because there’s no one you’d rather talk to… Even if there’s been zero romantic stuff going on - you’re already 99% of the way to being engaged or something.
Lots of folks try to skip that friendship part and do alright, but they have it harder down the line.
[...] Anyway take this for what it’s worth. It’s only a slight step forward from the other post, but I wanted to clarify and emphasize some things… if you haven’t read the other one you can read it here… [...]